Heavy Sigh

So I am currently in Japan, and having such an amazing time travelling and exploring new parts. 

Japan is my motherland and the country holds a special place in my heart. 

Posting my photos on instagram and facebook I have friends messaging – wow, looks like you are having such a good time! 

I really am/was. But it couldn’t last. 

I recently went to Kobe for a weekend break with my boyfriend Dice. We spent one day thrifting and checking out independent shops searching for a cream leather jacket. 

Through one shop’s window I saw some cute clothes and stepped in. The women behind the till looked up from her ipad, and politely smiled. I beelined straight for a dress and unhooked it from the clothes rack to take a better look. It was a stunning dress. 

The lady suddenly spoke in Japanese ‘That won’t fit you’

Surprised, I looked at the dress then looked at her. I didn’t think I was being crazy. ‘Well I would like to try it on to see’ I responded smiling. 

I took my coat off and heard her gasp. ‘YOU are too big. It definitely won’t fit you!’

I smiled, ignoring her comment and went into the small changing room. The zip didn’t quite go to the top, but the dress didn’t pull or stretch. I wasn’t crazy for trying it on.

As I stepped out, she exclaimed ‘Your shoes! Did you take off your shoes?” 

‘Yes I did, but there is no where to put them back on out here’ I said calmly.

I gave her back the dress. She looked me up and down and nodded as if to say ‘I told you so’ 

‘Thank you’ and I walked outside.

As I climbed onto my bike, I could feel my chest getting tight. I became overwhelmed with shame.

Not wanting it to show, I said cheerly ‘Let’s go’ to Dice.

As we peddled away I felt detached and not present. Cycling past passers by I wondered if they saw me as this giant beast.

My self worth felt low. 

Since coming back from the trip I have found myself being careful around food. Going to the gym x 5 weekly is pretty standard for me, but what I have found myself doing is weighing myself.

Something I advise my personal training clients only to do once every two weeks or if they can, try go on from the feel of their clothes or take progress photos so they can refer back at starting photos. 

I weigh myself everyday now. Am I lighter today than I was yesterday? The number on the scale reflecting if I have had a good eating day. 

My roommate made a valid point when I told her about the shop incident, if Beyonce came into that shop would the lady literally pass out?

I love Japan, but I am missing home and my friends. 

I am aware what I’m doing isn’t good for the mind and soul, but I have faith I can navigate through this and step into the light. I am strong and I feel brave sharing this vulnerability.

It is never okay to inflict shame on another human.

Love and peace <3

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