My Mental Health Journey
Written in 2019: a reflection on my experiences
In the past, I had periods of depression. The worst was a period when I was unable to get out of bed for four months. As a consequence, I gained a lot of weight.
It was thanks to the brilliant Sean T and his Insanity fitness DVDs that I eventually started getting back into shape. They motivated me to move and, eventually, to start working in London.
Those two months were hard. I was very overweight and, at the time, unable to leave the house. Sean T and his workouts became a strange kind of best friend. From that experience, I learned how important exercise was for my mental wellbeing. Without fitness, my life seemed to fall apart.
I had a second experience of serious mental health difficulties during my time in London in 2016.
I had been unable to sleep for two weeks, was eating very little, going through a breakup and being bullied at work. Eventually, everything came crashing down.
I literally felt as though I had lost my mind. For the two weeks leading up to my breakdown, it was as if I was on speed. Not that I’ve ever taken speed, but my thoughts and speech were incredibly rapid. I felt elevated and full of energy.
Then I began imagining things, experiencing paranoia and finding it increasingly difficult to focus. I began losing myself. I was then admitted to hospital for two weeks. It was quite comical in retrospect, as I wasn’t in a position to sign the paperwork myself, and I wasn’t free to simply leave.
Looking back at my time in hospital, I remember being paranoid and unsure of the people around me, the place I was in and, ultimately, myself.
I kept wandering into the men’s ward because I preferred a sofa there, which resulted in me being asked to leave and eventually being moved to another hospital in Winchester.
At this stage, the medication started to take effect and I slowly began to feel more like myself. I was becoming aware of what had happened, although I still felt mentally unwell. I experienced side effects from the medication. At one point I couldn’t even tie my shoelaces, and I had lost quite a bit of weight.
I was initially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. At the time, my psychotherapist explained my breakdown in terms of a chemical imbalance in the brain and how medication could help manage the extreme highs and lows.
In all honesty, I wouldn’t have minded experiencing the highs again. Unfortunately, after leaving the ward, I mainly experienced the lows. When I was finally allowed to go home, I was incredibly fragile.
For around six months, I was unable to sleep by myself. Because my breakdown had followed such a prolonged period without sleep, I developed a fear of it. Bedtime itself became a source of anxiety.
My mum would stay beside me and wait until I fell asleep. I also couldn’t sit still for more than a minute. I couldn’t watch television or read because my mind would panic.
I tried to keep working, travelling to London twice a week to teach my classes, with my mum helping me. It must have looked quite funny watching me stand up and pace around on the train, sit down, and then repeat the process ten minutes later.
Train journeys were always the hardest. My closest friends could see that I wasn’t okay, but they didn’t really know what had happened. I had disappeared for a month during my illness and treatment, but when I returned, I pretended that I was fine.
It has now been three years since my breakdown, and after different forms of therapy and gradually finding the lowest effective medication for me, I feel much more like myself again. At times I can still feel anxious or overwhelmed. I can have periods of feeling low. But now, it is manageable.
This didn’t happen overnight.
Through therapy, I developed coping strategies. My mum and I also spent a huge amount of time learning about mental health and trying to understand what had happened to me.
I can now look at my thoughts more objectively. I can try to understand where they are coming from and work out what I need in that moment to feel okay.
Sometimes that might mean journalling, meditating or practising mindfulness.
Other times, I need external help.
And I’ve learned that that’s okay too.
Mental health should be talked about.
It can be a difficult subject, but if you’re experiencing something, having someone to share it with can be life changing. If you’re going through something, reach out. Talk to someone you trust. Speak to your GP or look into the mental health services and community support available to you.
You can’t stay in the storm forever. Trust me.
I have many people to be thankful for, but I don’t think I would be where I am today without my mum.Since my breakdown, I’ve been training to become a counsellor, with the future dream of h elping young people experiencing mental health difficulties. I don’t think I ever would have taken this career path if it hadn’t been for what happened to me.
My closing thought is this:
Never underestimate the importance of a difficult life experience.
There can be an opportunity within even the most painful experiences to learn something new about yourself and to grow as an individual.
It’s taken me a while to share my story.
I hope you can share yours.